It's 1.41 am. And I am here.. there can only be one reason..

Sometimes there are just things you can't say and you live with a heavy heart feeling so bottled up. The feeling sucks. REALLY sucks.

I have not felt so troubled for a very long time. I just can't believe that I've gotten myself into this mess. Is it really worth it? You will never know. There's always some opening that results in things happening. I always believe it's seldom one way. But sure there's more to it ? I seriously never expected this to happen. Never.. ever..

So much things have been happening over the past yr that has perhaps changed a little inside me. I no longer find the joy in chatting with people with different wave length. Well, not that I use to enjoy it, but I would at least entertain and hang around.. now, I would rather have some quiet time feeling that it's just not worthwhile spending my limited time there.

Sis has commented that I'm keeping very critical. And I actually agree. I get more frustrated by people's action and when a perception of a person sets in, that person is screwed basically. I will always doubt the person. It's not healthy and it shouldn't be the way. I know.. but it just so happens and I observed it recently. Am I going to change it? I don't know.. that's not the main concern at the moment.

My mood has been really flactuating over the past few months and it seldom really goes high up. Too be honest, I can't remb the last time it did happened. What was it? The job that has been molding me for the past 2 yrs has successfully molded me in a way that I can appear perfectly normal to others while deep down, it really isn't the case.

I don't know where I am heading at the moment. My personal confidence level is at a trough, emotionally at a trough.. my weight is nearly at the high. I don't find job in doing most of the things I'm doing now.. It has become more of a routine / necessary things to do rather than enjoying it.
Bridge? Nope, just playing it.. liking is not the same as before.
Triathlon ? Just wishing to complete my NZIM, training for the sake of training at the moment.
Diabo ? Nope. Just playing cos I got nothing else to do and I've finished reading the news.
Pool? Nope. Can play, but don't find particular joy in just potting the ball for no reason.
Diving? Nope. Though it relaxes the mind the thought of making a trip and spending so much turns me off.
Travelling? Not really keen at the moment. Not as adventurous as before.

Really.. Is there ANYTHING that can spice me up just a little ? Really. I need something ...

Is it cos of the age? That I'm simply just getting older and more mundane?

Perhaps the most scary part is I am choosing not to meet people. Rather be alone.

Alone..

Is it bothering so much so that I have no joy in all other things? Nobody can tell me this.. I know it's a issue I have to face myself.. and really. myself.. You just can't tell anybody.. it's disturbing.. it sure is..