What is right? What is wrong?

So much things happening lately..

Wondering when will the call come in. I'm really hoping that it will...

My mood has been really down of late. Situation is not being helped with lin's dad severely ill in hospital. Past 3 nights have been spent at the hospital, keeping her company. It is tough, facing such a life changing situation, and me being not too good with consoling words or actions, all I can do was to be there for her. keeping her company knowing that I'm there.

Life is unpredictable.. most say.... but sometimes it is predictable.. it is just a matter of time. It's a very thin line to draw between wanting to do the best for your loved ones.. vs doing the best what you think is the right thing. Really how much is enough? How much should we then say no? What is exactly the right thing to do? When we see someone overspending or eating the wrong food, what do we do ? We stop them and tell them that's not the correct way to do it. you should blah blah blah... What about handling of a life? What do you do when you see someone insisting treatment only to prolong the pain? Enduring more pain n misery in the process. Is that really the right thing to do? Why are we not tolerating that in other things, but tolerating that when it comes to handling of life? Is life very much more acceptable as a reason and it overrides everything else?

Morally, what is right? what is acceptable? Will you feel guilty because you did not try your best? Or should you feel guilty in making the person face more pain? Of cos there's no right or wrong here.. I just feel it's really really difficult to make a choice here. Respecting ones decision and knowing when that should stop... cos like all decisions, not all decisions made is correct. And you don't allow the person to do everything as they wish ... right?

I'm not in the position to say anything about it now... and I feel I shouldn't.. I have always being a less than empathetic person and saying this out now isn't going to help much. I can only blog it down over here and let my thots flow into the air..

I do have feelings. And more often than not, it's being kept within and prevented from showing. Not expressive in my emotions paints a picture of me being less "caring" . Everyone has different ways of showing concern and I don't think crying is the only way to do it. I just don't exhibit it that way. In moments of crisis, I am able to make decision that is less suayed by emotions and I think that's a strength. That has always being a part of me.. Really.... not showing doesn't mean I don't care... I just have a stronger heart for such things. Hope you understand...

That aside.. telling me that I will be taking up more responsibilities and asking me to go on a conference to Zurich.. Seriously... can you time it better? Do you have a sensor / tracker on me? Why does it always happen when I'm at the trough? Must it come in only when I'm really deep deep down? I am not keen in the position or whatever responsibilities.. Zurich free trip, of cos I will go if the call doesnt' come in by then.. but I seriously hope I will not be going ..... cos I'm on my way out of here...

Decision is made

The time is here...

It has been way too long since I have been thinking about it and now is right to execute it.

Sometimes you just have to take the chance and take the plunge. The future is uncertain, but if you don't try, you will never know and it will always be status quo. Is it worthwhile? Is it regrettable? No idea.. I will know in due time.

For now, there are many things that I feel regretful with, in particular one aspect. It was a moment of folly followed by many many more moments which resulted in an irreversible state. It is perhaps the most regretful thing I have ever done my whole life and I couldn't face it. Running away from it isn't the best option.. I know... unfortunately that seem to be the best scenario. Instead of walking on and stepping further into the grey, I guess stepping clear and remove all possibility might save much further dilemma. 

I am truly sorry and there was never one moment that was was meant for a ride. Really. never.. in life, sometimes choice has to be made and I have made mine.. I will have to follow up with my actions and commit to it. I hope all is clear and let's move on from here...

Garfield run

Had a really fun run last Saturday, 19 July 2014.
Signed up for the Garfield run and totally enjoyed myself. Being a childhood fan of garfield, I was buoyed when I saw the run available for registration. Registered for it almost immediately.

The run was more like a carnival. Taking of photos, drinking from Milo van, (BEST), eating ice cream. and 99% of the people in bright orange garfield tee. hahaha... begun the run slightly late, looking around just enjoying the atmosphere. Would say this is the most fun run I've ever had. Totally no stress, first run with A dear as husband and wife. =)

Revival of Zee blog

After nearly 2 years. I've decided to revive this space here. Probably cos it seems to be the avenue where I can pen down some of my thoughts freely.

So what has happened over the past 2 yrs since my last entry?

Some of the major happenings.
1. Posted back to Singapore in 2012, STILL working with THSC.
2. Got into some troubled heart matters in 2013.
3. Proposed to Lin on 27 Feb 2013.
4. Completed my first Ironman race in Taupo, NewZealand on 8 Mar 2013.
5. Went for a holiday with family and had a splendid time in Feb 2014.
6. Got my Personal Best in HK marathon on 13 Feb 2014.
7. Tied the knots with Lin on 15 Jun 2014.
8. Staying in together since.
9. Lin's dad constant battle with multiple myeloma seem to be back and hunting the whole family.
10. Searching for new job.

Guess this 10 points summarised my 2 years.

Ups and downs, and there are some things that really bothered me but just couldn't tell anybody. Feeling so bottled up at times. Personal space is so hard to find in this current world. Perhaps I will find some here..

It's 1.41 am. And I am here.. there can only be one reason..

Sometimes there are just things you can't say and you live with a heavy heart feeling so bottled up. The feeling sucks. REALLY sucks.

I have not felt so troubled for a very long time. I just can't believe that I've gotten myself into this mess. Is it really worth it? You will never know. There's always some opening that results in things happening. I always believe it's seldom one way. But sure there's more to it ? I seriously never expected this to happen. Never.. ever..

So much things have been happening over the past yr that has perhaps changed a little inside me. I no longer find the joy in chatting with people with different wave length. Well, not that I use to enjoy it, but I would at least entertain and hang around.. now, I would rather have some quiet time feeling that it's just not worthwhile spending my limited time there.

Sis has commented that I'm keeping very critical. And I actually agree. I get more frustrated by people's action and when a perception of a person sets in, that person is screwed basically. I will always doubt the person. It's not healthy and it shouldn't be the way. I know.. but it just so happens and I observed it recently. Am I going to change it? I don't know.. that's not the main concern at the moment.

My mood has been really flactuating over the past few months and it seldom really goes high up. Too be honest, I can't remb the last time it did happened. What was it? The job that has been molding me for the past 2 yrs has successfully molded me in a way that I can appear perfectly normal to others while deep down, it really isn't the case.

I don't know where I am heading at the moment. My personal confidence level is at a trough, emotionally at a trough.. my weight is nearly at the high. I don't find job in doing most of the things I'm doing now.. It has become more of a routine / necessary things to do rather than enjoying it.
Bridge? Nope, just playing it.. liking is not the same as before.
Triathlon ? Just wishing to complete my NZIM, training for the sake of training at the moment.
Diabo ? Nope. Just playing cos I got nothing else to do and I've finished reading the news.
Pool? Nope. Can play, but don't find particular joy in just potting the ball for no reason.
Diving? Nope. Though it relaxes the mind the thought of making a trip and spending so much turns me off.
Travelling? Not really keen at the moment. Not as adventurous as before.

Really.. Is there ANYTHING that can spice me up just a little ? Really. I need something ...

Is it cos of the age? That I'm simply just getting older and more mundane?

Perhaps the most scary part is I am choosing not to meet people. Rather be alone.

Alone..

Is it bothering so much so that I have no joy in all other things? Nobody can tell me this.. I know it's a issue I have to face myself.. and really. myself.. You just can't tell anybody.. it's disturbing.. it sure is..

Cross road

Perhaps it's time.. The time has drawn closer and closer..

I feel that I'm not performing in my role as well as I wanted to. Perhaps it's because of the team that I inherited doesn't feel like working for me or perhaps it's because I'm not that experienced yet. I feel it's a combination of both.

It's in a mess right now and the management is not exactly providing the correct advice / guidance. Leaving us to act on it ourselves. It's a lot of free play, that's good. But with conflicting instructions it makes it tough.

I have lost quite a bit of confidence ever since I came to KL, and it's the knowledge that you know that little makes you feel inadequate. In the world so big, there's always so much you can know. How much more you wish to learn is up to yourself. With someone who you can look up to and learn speeds up the whole process so much more.

Pathing the road for the future is what we all plan to do. It's time for me to plan my next step.

Just a moment, that's all you require

Just a moment. That's all it takes..

Just that short moment is all it takes to change a lot of things, be it completing something simple like playing a game, answering to your mum's call to do something, or something as complex as deciding whether to make an important decision that may affect one's life. It's just that split second that's going to make all the difference.

We've all got this mighty power in our hands and it depends on how you want to utilise it. However, there are times where you can't control it fast enough and you may just regret it from happening. It has happened and so what can you do next? Regret? Carry on? Live with a guilt?

It's all about life decisions. No answer for that. It's all your choice.